We all are different emotionally. It's what makes each of our relationships to each other unique, from the way we interact based on prior experience to exploring new ideas and thoughts of understanding. The mind is a complex tool, and a very powerful weapon. The brain is the murky deep where the emotional core of our being dwells, surfacing in light of the positive, or overshadowed by negativity. This might sound all bullshit preachy I-know-this-so-what's-your-fucking-point, but there is a purpose, and the brain can be the greatest tormentor you have ever known to harbor, and to think, it's in your head interpreting this post right now.
Now, in strict therapy session fashion, I will introduce myself. Hi, my name is, well, call me Jack. I am almost 24 years old and I suffer from Manic Depression. (No, I won't call it Bipolar because I need that Hendrix theme song as a lead-in when I start doing inspirational speeches at High Schools.) Cheesy? Yeah, but fuck you, I claimed it. Anyway I was recently hospitalized for 4 days in a Psychiatric ward for intense mania and the desire to commit suicide via drug overdose. Sup Clonazepam (Klonopin) + others that shall remain nameless (Non-Disclosure on their parts, their lawyers are are at the ready). Needless to say this was not the way I wanted my week to turn out, and I regret making such an error in judgement.
This is why the mind is such a deadly weapon, I had almost absolutely no control. The only thing I could do was stumble on the public transit to the hospital, admit myself, and listen to the guy in the other room talk about how everyone was jealous of his wings because he was a fucking angel. I wish I was a fucking angel, that would be sweet. I think people will hate me for even writing this in light of my current experience, and poking fun at other types of illness. (Bet you called someone a "Retard / Tard / ReRe/ DeeDeeDee" before. Sup now hypocrite?), but I digress. I wanted to really inform my friends and those I have alienated (more friends) that my condition is very serious.
These sensations have been truthfully going on for well over a year but out of all the times I felt so down or up, it would have to be everything that has happened in the last 3 weeks, and I mean everything. Imagine your body going completely numb, but unlike Pink Floyd, it is anything but comfortable. Couple that with your mind being filled with thoughts, things most people don't think about or could ever fathom. Quantum mechanics, faith and philosophy, the very meaning of our existence.
Say for the moment you assume everyone hates you, they are looking at you like you are the scum of the earth, you look down staring at the floor of the lightrail like a looming cloud ready to snap like the rolling thunder after the flash of a bolt of lightening. These were false perceptions brought on by a negative stimuli that worked my mind into a prison and made me feel like a debtor to the boatman. You try to control yourself when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, whether it be solid empirical truth, or fantastical surrealities you conjure in your head to hate yourself and the people you coexist with. This was my life, and Gandhi is so fucking correct.
Control was not maintained and out of my realm of possibility. I would sooner embrace the idea of searching for R'lyeh and the Necronomicon than search for the nearest bus stop. I Don't remember much truth be told, the fog thick and the haze unsettled, however, the only thing I noticed when I came home from treatment was my Facebook account was queued for permanent deletion, all my MSN contacts missing, all my Skype numbers gone, My six year old DeviantArt account gone (This is actually a positive thing)and I am sure all my Blizzard Battle.net accounts purged.
With all my heart, love,(yes, they do exist inside me, somewhere) and respect for each and all my friends and connections I have met with over the years be it in person or online, I am very sorry for my abrupt and callous behavior. I really don't want to lose anyone I admire and care for over an illness I will have for till the day I die (107, Forest Moon of Endor). Please contact me by phone or email if I did anything to upset, hurt, or in any way make you feel uncomfortable. I am not here to sit and beg, I just want us all to come to terms with what has transpired in the recent weeks and focus on the future. I know that I have acted irrational, irresponsible, immature and melodramatic and I want to just pull an Obama and "set the record straight" (lolAmericanPolitics).
Letting you all know what was really a dark secret brooding in my mind, is just, I guess, my way of being upfront and honest with you about what has been going on, my regret for my lack of personal strength and willpower during a time of crisis, and moreover that I am not a perfect person. The constant ebb and flow of my mind is slowing to a standstill, and serenity is on the horizon. I just hope you won't resent me for my failings in the past as we move onward to the future.
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." - C.S. Lewis
I am off like a prom dress,
The Jack Of Hearts
TL;DR - Basically something about your sister and I, we got into an argument about the wedding but now everything is alright in a manner of speaking. Her ex Jeff is being a douchebag. You know how he is, calling and whining he wasn't invited like a little bitch kid wanting the biggest piece of candy from the confectionist to choke and die on. I guess he doesn't understand "still being good friends" doesn't merit an invite to some pre-wedding pampering. Flight delays all day in Paris so now our vacation to Marrakesh is on hold so I be buying that beautiful rug your mom wanted in time for Christmas with all the US Customs bullshit.
We are thinking about taking a detour however to Buda Pest and then sailing the coast to get to Morrocco, so not all is lost, especially if we decide to tack on another week and visit Giza. OH! We were talking and it might be a better idea that you should watch Firetruck and Waldorf while we are away instead of Ken because I don't really trust that asshole. Last time he house sat I got a laundry list of charges to my DirectTV. That guy sure knows his shitty pornos. You can be the King of the castle. The keys to the Rover are in the usual spot just be careful they don't get completely stuck behind the bar, they might of gotten stuck in that wierd nook where the granite meets the wall. We will be back in two weeks so be ready for our first intramural scrimmage. I know it hasn't been on your mind recently but You really don't want to Lose The Game.
P.S. Please forgive my grammatical mistakes and deviation of the thesis. Some things are best left undone until the mind and body are in harmony, and medication isn't kicking my ass.
P.P.S. If you don't get the TL;DR, don't feel bad. It's late and I am stupid. :)
